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PostPosted: Thursday 3 July 2008 5:49:03am 
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Fourth Year

Joined: Friday 16 May 2008 6:35:33pm
Posts: 65
Location: J.A.S.U.~Captain Montez
It was a warm sunny day as a beautiful teenage girl strolled down the street to her boyfriend's house. This teenage girl is known as Susan Montez, and her boyfriend's name is Jason Markington. Susan is five foot tall with curves and Jason is five foot two with a six pack. Susan has blonde hair that goes to her mid-back and Jason has short black hair with red highlights.

Susan is wearing a lovely red dress and black heels. Jason is wearing a dark blue tuxedo and black dress shoes. Susans' hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Why are these two lovely teenagers dressed up?" Well, they're going to a party at Jason's work, Markington's Malt Shop.

Susan walked past Jason's blue Mustang as she approached the front door of his mansion. She saw a note addressed to her, so she takes it off the front door and a pair of keys fall to the floor. Susan picks up the keys and she reads the note. The note said, "Susan, I walked to the shop. Here is a spare set of keys to my Mustang. Please, Drive safely and come quickly. I have something to tell you. Love, Jason" Susan pocketed the note as she hopped into the Mustang. She drove to the Malt Shop and parked the Mustang in the Manager's spot.

Susan entered the Malt Shop and she saw Jason taking orders from her sister-in-law, Rose Montez. She then saw her brother, Nick Montez over by the jukebox selecting a song. Susan walked over to the bar and she set her keys on the table. Jason glances at Susan and she gives him a small smile. Nick returns to the bar and he gives Rose a hug.

"Good Luck with that Jason. Hey, Susan? What's wrong?," Rose asked.

"Nothing's wrong. Uh, Sweetie? You wanted to ask me something.," Susan said.


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PostPosted: Thursday 3 July 2008 5:56:18am 
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Keeper of the Keys and Dragon Tamer Of The West
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Joined: Friday 30 November 2007 11:45:55am
Posts: 2031
Location: Celebrating with good friends
It is good but the past/present ting throws me ff. Why don't you write it like ; Susan strolled down the street with her neat red dress and her new black heels. You write it like your seeing it from accros the road and just writing it, maybe you could write in first person.

Why was everything perfect, his house, her hair, her dress, his body, her body.. Some drama needs to happen at the start so as to really hook the reader in and maybe think about creating less characters, there was about 6 characters in that first bit of writing so I got realy confused as to who was who.

Please note; this is constructive criticism.

Have fun,
Riley..


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PostPosted: Thursday 3 July 2008 6:33:20am 
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Fourth Year

Joined: Friday 16 May 2008 6:35:33pm
Posts: 65
Location: J.A.S.U.~Captain Montez
*Riley* wrote:
It is good but the past/present ting throws me ff. Why don't you write it like ; Susan strolled down the street with her neat red dress and her new black heels. You write it like your seeing it from accros the road and just writing it, maybe you could write in first person.

Why was everything perfect, his house, her hair, her dress, his body, her body.. Some drama needs to happen at the start so as to really hook the reader in and maybe think about creating less characters, there was about 6 characters in that first bit of writing so I got realy confused as to who was who.

Please note; this is constructive criticism.

Have fun,
Riley..


Jason~Susan's b/f
Susan~Main character
Rose~Nick's Wife
Nick~Susan's Brother
Mary~Jason's sister~~~adding in later....XD

coming soon~~~Jason Proposes to Susan!!!!~~~Will she accept?~~~


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