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PostPosted: Saturday 27 September 2008 7:27:01pm 
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Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Gelato Stand


I, Harry Potter, am here to tell you what really happened in my first year. I can no longer stand the lies of my editors. They took my story and crippled it, changing the title and general plot so as not to violate any copyright laws. Then they published it under the name of my therapist, Jo Rowling. I had told her everything, my feelings, my thoughts, so she knew how to make it seem Potter-like. But you, readers, deserve to know the truth. So, without further ado, here is the story of what really happened when I entered year #1 at Hogwarts.


* * *

My childhood pretty much sucked. My cousin Dudley bullied me, stealing my frozen desserts and locking me into freezers. But for some strange reason, I never had an emotional breakdown until after I had left the Dursleys. Maybe the strange feeling of pleasure I got from doing accidental magic had something to do with it. At any rate, life sucked at my aunt and uncle's house. In case you're wondering, my parents are dead. Yeah. Traumatized childhood or what?
Dudley got everything. Presents, love, friends. One time he went to the Zoo for his birthday, and I only got to come because Mrs. Figg broke her leg. But at least I got to sick a snake on him.
But everything changed a few weeks before my eleventh birthday. I got a letter, from some place that knew exactly where I lived, even where I slept. Before I got to read it, however, Uncle Vernon ripped it to shreds. Yeah. Temperamental or what?
But they kept coming. Through the windows, in the eggs, everywhere. Uncle Vernon went into a crazed mental state, nailing the mail slot, door, and windows shut. He was only ever at peace on Sundays, when the mail didn't come. Until the letters started shooting down the chimney, of course. Then he lugged us off to some shack on the ocean where everything was wet and cold. Yeah. Paranoid or what?
That turned out to be a rotten waste of time. On my birthday, a giant man knocks down our door in the middle of a storm, and tells me I'm a wizard. Yeah. Far-fetched or what?
But it actually turned out to be true. I, Harry Potter, had finally found out the truth of my lineage. So here's my tragic childhood:
Voldemort killed my parents but couldn't kill me. Then he lost his power or some trite thing like that, so now I'm a hero. A hero who will be going off to magic school in September! Take that, Dudders! A Smeltings stick will never beat a magic wand!
So I went to this weird place called Diagon Alley with Hagrid to get school supplies. But you know what? Not a single street there was arranged diagonally. Misleading or what?
So at some point or another, I was told that my magic wand shared a core source with Voldemort. Sick, right? What if he uses some creepy weirdo magic to make me fall in love with a teacher or something? Eww..... Sick thought.
Soon it was time to go. The Dursleys dropped me off and left without a second thought. Which left me running around, trying to find an invisible platform labeled 9 3/4 before 11:00. Stress much?
But my distress turned out to be a good thing, as it lead me to meet the Weasleys. Mrs. Weasley told me how to run straight through a brick wall and into Platform 9 3/4, which really made things more convenient.
Soon I got onto the train, where I made friends with Ron Weasley and met Hermione Granger for the first time. She struck me as quite the bossy know it all then, until a brush with danger brought Ron, Hermione and I together by way of-- but I'm getting ahead of myself. The train ride was long, but nowhere near tedious. I learned more about the world of magic than I ever wanted to know.
It was on the back of a collectible playing card that I first read the name Nicholas Flamel. I didn't know it at the time of course, but that article mention of Flamel's work on gelato would be crucial to find the Philosopher's Gelato Stand. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Once at Hogwarts, the new students were sorted by the the Sorting Hat, and I entered the House of Gryffindor.
Classes were anything but boring. The Professors had us working day and night on spells and enchantments. Then came Halloween. Ron had upset Hermione to the point of tears, and I was beginning to feel a bit antsy, because she hadn't left the bathroom all afternoon. But all thoughts of my soon-to-be friend was banished by the feast that night. The food was decadent, the decor fantastic. But it wasn't to last.
Just as I was reaching out to snag a pastry, Professor Quirrell ran screaming into the Great Hall, blubbering about a pudding cup in the dungeons. As the terrified teacher collapsed in a heap, it became apparent that this was no ordinary dessert. It had somehow mutated, and was now terrorizing the school. The students were quickly shepherded off to our Common Rooms, but then I remembered Hermione.
Ron and I set off at a run towards the girl's lavatories. Just in time to see a trickle of chocolate pudding destroying the bathroom. Ron was the hero in this scenario. Just when all seemed lost, he casted a levitation charm that saved our lives. Bonded by trauma, Ron, Hermione, and I became friends. But you already knew that.
Soon it became apparent that something was being hidden in the school. A three-headed dog sat day and night on a trap-door in the third-floor corridor. And it all came back to Nickolas Flamel. When we came to believe that Professor Snape was going to steal the stone, we knew it was time to go through the trap-door.
We got past the dog without incident. Music made it fall right asleep. The plant that tried to strangle us was a different story. As was the giant chess set, troll, room of flying keys, and table of unknown potions with only a riddle as a guide. Soon I was the only one left in action. Going through the last door, I was struck dumb.
Standing in front of a white plasticine counter, was a figure. But it wasn't Snape. Pause for dramatic effect.
It was Quirrell.
Stroking the pale surface, the teacher spoke. “Hello Potter.” He said softly. “I've been expecting you.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Why, because you are going to make me a gelato. One that will bring the Dark Lord back. He's ever so hungry.” Quirrell turned to face me. “Watermelon with chocolate custard.” he demanded.
I didn't know what to do. So I made the gelato of immortality. Quirrell started forward to grab it, but I batted his hand away reflexively. Before my very eyes, Quirrell's hand melted like so much Italian ice left out in the sun. Then a ghostly voice issued from nowhere.
“Kill the boy.” I knew it was Voldemort. It all happened very quickly then. Quirrell tried to draw his wand, but I lurched forward and grabbed his face. My scar began to burn, someone was screaming, but I would not let go. Then darkness over took me, and I fell into unconsciousness.
I awoke in the Hospital Wing, where Prof. Dumbledore was waiting for me. He explained that Quirrell had died, Voldemort had escaped, The Philosopher's Gelato Stand had been destroyed, and the Flamels would soon leave the world of the living. Oh well. I suppose it's all for the best.
So that's the real story. Up yours, Publishers!


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PostPosted: Saturday 27 September 2008 8:12:22pm 
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:lol: Very funny! I love it. Although I think there should be something about Harry thinking Snape is evil. He's not mentioned until the very end. Oh, and Quidditch. Could use with some Quidditch.


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PostPosted: Sunday 28 September 2008 6:16:40pm 
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yes, i seemed to have forgotten a few things as i was rushing to get it done......


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PostPosted: Sunday 28 September 2008 7:09:42pm 
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I figured it was due to your rushing. I've done that when I'm rushing to get a certain chapter done. Then I have to go back and fill in what I've missed.


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PostPosted: Tuesday 30 September 2008 10:11:57am 
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*Squeal*
This was hilarious!!
You've got your readers wanting more...
*Screams like a hysterical girl at a Jonas Brothers concert* :lol:


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PostPosted: Thursday 2 October 2008 2:24:39am 
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*stares* umm....... okay.......

the next will be called: *drum roll, please*

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Standarized Testing


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PostPosted: Sunday 23 August 2009 1:54:44am 
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*cough*
Fawkes?


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PostPosted: Sunday 23 August 2009 11:17:11am 
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You kind of forgot Harry Potter and the Cabinet of Mysteries.


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PostPosted: Monday 24 August 2009 4:11:02am 
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Umm, what? You mean the other books, like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Standarized Testing, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Oat-Matured Mead, Harry Potter and the Order of a Hamburger and Fries, etc? Yeah, um, they're not really going to get written. It was fun and all writing the first two, but I've a bit more on my plate now than I did then, and not just writing-wise. I'm barely managing to steadily write one story, much less all of these. Maybe sometime in the future, but not anytime soon, I'm afraid.


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