Broomsticks And Owls

by **Meg Boyd** » Saturday 26 July 2003 5:24:10am

Ok, I am going to start out praying that my boy friend does not read this, and I know he doesn't belong to this site, but just my luck he'll join tomorrow and read this...accckkk

Secondly, I am not the type to have unusually messy love lives...usually my love life is dormant...

BUT OH NO!!!!!!

I am going out with a wonderful boy, and he is really sweet and treats me well. But he places me on a pedestal. For two years I've been the girl he couldn't get, the one he idolized...etc...and now well, we're dating. He still places me on this pedestal thing and plays himself down, and stuff, and its really starting to bother me. I want a totally casual, equal relationship, you know??? I'm only 17, I don't want a life long relationship yet, I'm not even out of high school... I feel like if I break it off, even partially like the whole lets just see each other, not be significant others, I'll break his heart into a million pieces. I mean he cried over me when he couldn't have me, and now he tells me he cries because he's so happy to have me, and sometimes because he loves me so much he's afraid to lose me. It's been exactly one month today (Central Standard time) and well, that attitude is scaring me...

I've tried talking about the pedestal thing, and all he said was, ok I'll try, but its still there...

For awhile the relationship seemed like it was going to work, and now...I don't think so...I've been trying to prepare him for the break up, but he keeps saying stuff so romantic and or how he's worried he'll lose me, that I chicken out...

I've been trying to mess things up, so that he'll get mad an dump me, but they just seem to make him like me more...plus the fact he told me I can do no wrong, so its up to me to end this...I even tried spending more time with this other boy with whom it is well known at school of the crush I had on him for years to create conflict, and all my bf said was "I trust you"....arrggghhh, sweet but arrggghhh

But now, I realize I still like the other boy and its not fair to my bf if I like the other boy too...(God, I sound like zledm007, I'm SO sorry old boy)

HELP

by **Hermione Weasley** » Saturday 26 July 2003 7:24:16pm

maybe you could try telling your bf that you don't like the fact that he puts you on a pedistal(s/p) and tell him it makes you uncomfortable and then see how ur realationship changes if at all. if it doesn't change then you should break up with him. I am not sure how your whole situation works considering tomorrow i will just turn 16 and i have had only one serious realationship and that ended b/c i moved so i may not be the best person to give you advice on this topic but i know one thing i can do for you is if you need someone to talk to or even just a person to listen(well read) to your problems im here for you and you can just pm me or email me.
-Hermione

by **Meg Boyd** » Saturday 26 July 2003 7:27:32pm

Thanks Hermione Weasley! I didn't really think anyone was going to reply...

I have tried telling him about the pedestal, but he deny's it or takes it in offense. But you do have a point, so I will try it again...

You advice helped a lot hermione!!!

Thanks a million, here's a hug...

by **Hermione Weasley** » Saturday 26 July 2003 7:43:34pm

your welcome meg!

thanks for the hug!now if only my advice worked for me who hasn't had a bf for like a year?!maybe it will change when school starts again

by **Lizzy Bennet** » Sunday 27 July 2003 12:36:04am

Meg,

As I am 25, so I'm 8 years your senior, I've thought about how to reply to your problem in a way that makes sense. I wouldn't say anyone's problem isn't worth replying to...just because we are all in different places in life doesn't mean that what is happening to us isn't serious to us. After all, I wrote about my job-hunting stress, and I daresay, the younger members of this forum couldn't really relate to that...you lot simply aren't at a point in your lives where you're looking for a career, and I know that! But that doesn't NOT mean you don't have something of value to say, insight to give, or support to show...on the contrary, I respected and appreciated everyone's comments, from young and old alike.

So, rather than try to analyze you or this guy or whatever, I'll tell you a little about my relationship with my boyfriend. You may not think that'd help you, but then again, at 25, having 'kissed a lot of toads to find a prince', making mistakes and dating some of the 'wrong' people has not only lead me to someone really right, but has also taught me a great deal about how relationships SHOULD be. My boyfriend, I can honestly say, is my very best friend, and I love that about our relationship. He really respects me, and vice-versa. Additionally, neither of us feels 'honoured' to have the other in our lives...don't get me wrong, I feel lucky to have found him and have him in my life (and vice-versa), but not to any degree that I felt inferior to him or feel I'm totally blessed because I'm unworthy of him yet I have him (and vice-versa).

I don't REVERE him (my boyfriend)...I don't 'worship' him and/or put gobs of pressure on him to be some perfect person and/or the 'answer' to my happiness...that's really unhealthy and ultimately destructive. That's like staying in a relationship with someone because they've threatened suicide if you break up with them...that's pressure no one needs, and that's NOT caring and respecting someone you claim to love (or really like)...so often, people mistake this kind of 'extreme devotion' as love, but it isn't...it's treating someone like some kind of prized possession or trophy or rare artifiact...how can a person be close to, respect, and love someone like that?

I don't want to be ANYONE'S 'answer' or 'trophy' or 'obsession' or 'prize'...none of those terms relate to people or being human or having a personality or anything like that. To me, a boyfriend/girlfriend should enhance your life...not put you under pressure to be something in their mind's eye...how do you live up to that? I don't mean 'you' as in you specifically but people in general...I've dated guys who acted like they weren't good enough for me or only dated me because I'm pretty (so they say!) or treated me like I was someone to 'obtain' and then 'show-off'...I felt manipulated, used, and worst of all, unappreciated for all the things I have going for me beyond my looks or supposed status one would attain in dating me (which I think is a load of rubbish anyway!)...some guys (and older ones can be just as bad) see dating as a game...and play one women's emotions and thus manipulate them that way.

I'm sorry, but this is going to sound harsh, but I found out the hard way...if a guy you date is doing something that truly upsets you or disrespects you or in any other way makes you uncomfortable, I kid you not, if they truly care about YOU, they'll make a concerted effort to change. You shouldn't have to say it 1,000 times...I'd have wasted a lot less time on a lot fewer guys had I stood up for myself more and stood my ground...it's a fine line...it can't be your way or the highway, but something basic like not being treated like a 'precious object' isn't difficult...but changing is difficult to do for anyone and takes effort...and some people just don't want to make that effort...they may talk a good game about making that effort, but if after two or three times you saying something and nothing really changes, there's your answer.

Don't let someone's manipulation tactics make you change your stance...you deserve respect and being treated as a person...you deserve to have someone in your life who makes you happy and makes life easier, NOT more difficult. But the key is, YOU have to want that for yourself...my saying it makes no difference if you don't believe, in your heart, you deserve it...you have to believe it and then act on it...you have to find a way NOT to be afraid of standing your ground and walking away (breaking up and sticking to it) if need be. No one NEEDS a boyfriend or girlfriend...I firmly believe I'd rather be alone than be with someone totally mediocre just to be with someone...all I can say is don't settle...you have to choose your battles, but I'd say that someone respecting you, being your equal, and wanting a give-take relationship not a superior/inferior relationship, full of manipulation and mind-control is an issue worth standing your ground on...I wish you all the best, and I hope, in some way, I helped (not just you, but any person who's been in a similar situation or relationship).

Sorry it's such a long post!!

Sincerely,
Lizzy :angel:

by **Meg Boyd** » Sunday 27 July 2003 12:48:08am

Thank you so much Lizzy!

You said a lot of things in your post that really hit me home. I know now what I probably should do, but now its doing it that's hard...

Thank you Lizzy again!

by **Lizzy Bennet** » Sunday 27 July 2003 1:01:32am

Meg Boyd wrote:Thank you so much Lizzy!

You said a lot of things in your post that really hit me home. I know now what I probably should do, but now its doing it that's hard...

Thank you Lizzy again!

It's never easy to break ties with someone (assuming that's what you are going to do), even if staying with them (as a girlfriend or even as a friend) is painful and deterimental to you, as no one really enjoys hurting someone else, but I suppose, what may make it easier is to consider short-term versus long-term suffering...continuing in this vein seems like it will only lead to future suffering, on both your parts, whereas, if you break your ties, he'll live through it...people have lived through far worse. Not to mention, as I've said about myself in other threads, I can't be someone's 'saviour'...I can't sacrifice myself in the hopes that my very influence will be the reason they'll change...people change if and when they want to...you staying in this boy's life isn't necessarily helping him...in a way, I feel sorry for him...not because you may break up with him, but because if you do not, he may never stand on his own two feet...or maybe not, you know him better than I do.

All I can say is sometimes it's SO hard to break it off with someone (friendship or otherwise) and it hurts, a lot, in the short-term...but in the long-term, it's better for both of you...I've been on both sides of that...it may take time for one or both of you to see that, should breaking up be your choice, but I feel (and, again, my humble OPINION!

), being together really wasn't healthy for either of you and really didn't make either of you happy...and I only preach that from having been friends with and having had boyfriends who, when paired with me, resulted in entirely too much angst on both sides! :oops:

Some people need space and time, ON THEIR OWN, to grow, mature, and become their own person, and it isn't up to me to 'save' them. It's up to them to save themselves.

~ Lizzy

by **Meg Boyd** » Sunday 27 July 2003 1:24:25am

Again thanks...

You have no idea how much this helped!

Thanks a million times one...I had no idea that when I posted this that I would get such awesome help...everyone is so nice here...

I will break it off soon, and I know it will hurt him. I've been in his position before (that's why this is bothering me so, because I know how he must be feeling) and I remember how much I hurt after my ex broke it off with me and how I treated him afterword, and what I thought about it. I am sure my current boyfriend will act and think the same as i did, but probably worse because his attitude toward me is way stronger than how i felt towards my ex, i am sure of it. I have also talked to my ex about this (now one of my best friends, although it took a year) and he has helped a little bit too. I know there is probably know way I can break up with him with out any hurt at all...

I also know it is not fair to my boyfriend if I still have feelings for this other boy. It is not fair to him to devote him self all to me, while I am lukewarm...

So I will muster some courage and do it, but not today...some how it seems horrificly mean to break up with some one one day after an anniversary...no matter how insignificant the anniversary, you know what I mean?

Thanks a bunch however, you have no idea how much this means to me...

by **zledm007** » Sunday 27 July 2003 4:58:55am

you know meg, for some reason i think i've seen this exact thing before, perhaps because i did the exact same thing you are about to do. now, i'm not saying that the iminent break up isn't necessary, after all, it is kinda sacray that the kid is all worshipy and stuff, but, the other guy, the one you apparently still have a crush, well let's just say that'll end up the same way my crush went. I can all but garentee to you that it will not work w/ that other guy. i really hate to break it to you, but as i do know him rather well, i just don't think, well, i guess i know, it's not gonna work. i've been down that road before, you know that. people always say to learn from your past. this is almost like seeing double, well, it is except for the fact that my thing went 2 months (and change) before my crush got back in my head. now, i'm not saying don't break this off, as i don't really know if it needs to be done or not, all i'm saying is don't do it for the wrong reasons. you'll hate yourself for it. trust, i've been there.

well, good luck anyhow.... :beam me up:

by **Meg Boyd** » Sunday 27 July 2003 5:02:54pm

Yeah zledm007, I know it won't work. A certain emo loving formerly long haired friend of mine told me this months ago in France. But I can't help the way I feel...just like you could help liking that saxophone playing softball pitcher...it's just the way it is...thanks however, and I want to say I am sorry about not being understanding when you had the same problem...

by **Lizzy Bennet** » Sunday 27 July 2003 5:06:55pm

But that doesn't NOT mean you don't have something of value to say, insight to give, or support to show...on the contrary, I respected and appreciated everyone's comments, from young and old alike.

Whoops!

That was a double-negative...I meant to say, "But that doesn't mean you don't have something of value to say..."!

The extra 'not' I accidentally put in there would imply that I was saying people younger than me WOULDN'T have anything of value to say which is definitely NOT what I meant! :eek:

Sorry!

~ Lizzy

by **zledm007** » Sunday 27 July 2003 6:52:47pm

ok, just wanted to make sure you knew everything and all. good luck.

by **Meg Boyd** » Monday 28 July 2003 1:49:16pm

thanks for your help though, zledm007...you're a first rate pal...

by **Meg Boyd** » Monday 28 July 2003 1:55:04pm

...and Lizzy and Hermione Weasley are first rate pals too...

Thanks again

by **Meg Boyd** » Wednesday 30 July 2003 9:30:45pm

Ok, yeah...I broke up with now my ex-boy friend...

He was actually supportive, although I know he hurts...and I cried during it, and so did he...

I am really sorry about it all, it wasn't as bad as it was made out to be...I am just extremely overwhelmed with a lot of things, and I don't think having a boy friend was helping...

But i am going to take a break from boys before i go to college so i can find my self..

Broomsticks And Owls

Heartbreaker: Sorting mistakes out...arrrgghhh

Heartbreaker: Sorting mistakes out...arrrgghhh

Who is online